A Light Roasting of Frank Herbert's Dune
Tom Cole


I would like to thank all of the sandworms that made this possible.

Table of Contents
The Gum Jabber    1
The Barman, Fay Ray, and Spidy    11
Plans to Transgender?    20
A Case for Inbreeding    27
The Guitar Lesson    34
Guests Who Are Coming to Dinner?    40
The Hunter-Gatherer    56
The Dude is Betrayed    62
Bonbon Gone Wrong    70
A Flight, a Fight, and a Force Field    77
The Christening    94
Pokey, Dale, and Roger    103
Drummer Boy    115
Round Worm Round-up    119
I Am a Friend of Jambo    126
Lord of the Sandworms    135
Dung Near Done    141
Dinner Party Type II    151
Glossary    163
Alice (Alia) Half sister of Paulie Moab Utah
Arbobast Jitterbug (Thumper) Device for attracting worms
Ascaris (Arrakis): Also known as Dung, Desert Planet
Atavist family (Atreides family): Paulie’s family
Barman Valium Harkincinema (Baron Vladimir Harkonnen): Fat arch enemy of the Atavist family
Benzedrine Geltabs (Bene Gesserits): Referring to the special training of the Benzedrine Geltabs School
Calamari (Caladan) Planet and home to the Atavist family before their move to Ascaris
Chianti (Chani) Paulie Moab Utah’s Freebaser girlfriend
Condenser Suit (Stillsuit): Suit in the Sweatsucker label that is sold to tourists as a way to reclaim perspiration but doesn’t function as advertised
Count Ringworm (Count Fenring): Wanabe Whachacalladat and friend of Shadowfax IV
Crystalmeth Knife (Crysknife): Knife made from a worm tooth equipped with a built-in bottle opener and occasionally a cork screw
Dude Pito (Duke Leto): Paulie's father
Duncan Doughnut (Duncan Idaho): Atavist family swordsman
Dung (Dune): Ascaris, Desert Planet
Fay Ray (Feyd-Rautha): Nephew of Barman Valium Harkincinema
Fibteller's Drug (Truthsayer's Drug): Drug that transgenders and imparts insight
Freebasers (Fremen): Desert dwellers on Ascaris, Dung, Desert Planet
GLOAMIN’ LOCH LOMOND (CHOAM): Intergalactic spice company
Guitar (Baliset): Six-stringed instrument such as the Ranger Doug Gibson L5 archtop, the Pete Huttlinger Signature OM1 Collings, and the Fender Squier
Gum Jabber (Gom Jabbar): The Atavist family shiv used to test people by poking holes in their gums
Gurgling Haddock (Gurney Halleck): Swordsman, strum master, and poetry coach
Hugh, Francis, DDS (Yueh, Wellington, MD): Atavist family dentist and betrayer of Dude Pito
Hunter-gatherer (Hunter-seeker): a motorized flying syringe used to assassinate people
Jambo (Jamis): Freebaser boy that Paulie beats up with the help of his mother
Jezebel (Jessica): The mother of the boy Paulie
Dr. Kildare (Liet Kynes): Freebaser dinner guest at the Castle Ascaris
Landgrab (Lansgraad): A group of families
Meringue (Melange): The lemon-scented spice/drug excreted by sandworms
Missionaria Positionaria (Missionaria Protectiva): Group of religious nuts who planted legends in the desert
Moab Rat (Muad’Dib): a kangaroo rat
Moab Utah (Muad’Dib): Short for Paulie Moab Utah, son of the mother of the boy Paulie, son of Jezebel and Dude Pito
Mocker (Maker): One of the giant Shangri-La sandworms
Mother Teresa (Gaius Helen Mohiam): Jezebel's former chemistry lab assistant at the Benzedrine Geltabs School and steward of the Atavist family's Gum Jabber. Also known as Reverend Mother
OK Corral Bible (O.C. Bible) Bronze/Iron Age Middle Eastern Religious Document
Paulie Atavist (Paul Atreides): Son of Jezebel and the Dude Pito. Son of the mother of the boy Paulie. Also known as Paulie Moab Utah, Gumbo Boy, Ratso Atso, Mamma's Little Slugger, and the Cryin’ Messiah.
Paulie Moab Utah (Paul Muad’Dib): See Paulie Atavist.
PC Cruiser (‘Thopter): A winged vehicle
Princess Ireful (Princess Irulan): Family historian, wife of Paulie Moab Utah and Daughter of Shadowfax IV
Sardonican Army (Sardaukar) An all-purpose army
Shadowfax IV (Shaddam Corrino IV): Father of Princess Ireful and old friend of Count Ringworm.
Shady Drapes (Shadout Mapes): Jezebel's servant on Ascaris
Shangri-La (Shai-Hulud): A giant desert sandworm, also known as a spicer or a sand prancer
Spidy (Piter): Creepy-looking assassin for the Harkincinema family
Sturgeongar (Stilgar): Freebaser leader
Thunder Hellcat (Thufir Hawat) Assassin for the Atavist family
Ueda (Usul): Paulie Moab Utah’s secret Freebaser name taken from Takashi Ueda, the bass player
Wanda (Wanna): Girlfriend of Dr. Francis Hugh
Whachacalladat (Kwisatz Haderach): The desert messiah and bringer of all rich, good things. Appears in the form of Paulie Moab Utah.