1. ...about how my father's
blood was sprayed all over the face of a dead soldier
2. ...about how my friends and I changed the
beads of sweat on a woman's face from beads of worry
to beads of joy and relief.
3. ...about how a woman wrote an apology note to
me in tiny letters because she was so ashamed that she
wanted them to be hard to read.
4. The perfectly logical reason why an NAU
professor told my dad that the square root of 49 was
...about how my parents' friends
found a black mamba in their bed when they were trying
to go to sleep in Africa.
how I went
looking for a Texas pastor in hopes of finding him and
wringing his goddamned neck!
how my dad gave me
a dead mouse to lift my spirits.
8. About the university president who would only
hire Baptist preachers to teach biology.
9. ...about how a pack rat stole my key.
10. ...about how a snake bit me in the hills
outside of Mexico City in 1963.
11. ...about how my dad told a women that his
kids had never seen rain.
12. ...about how as a boy I was thrown out of
the ocean in Mexico and through the air to land on dry
13. ...about how an egret stabbed a boy in the
14. ...about how I got caught trying to pass a
counterfeit silver dollar.
15. ...about how the FBI launched a
investigation to catch me for threatening the mayor
when I was only ten!
16. ...about how my friend got himself and his
three friends killed.
17. ...about how just moments before surgery I
got up, furtively sneaked away, and disappeared never
18. ...about how my Dad insulted an entire room
full of rednecks.
19. ...about how I thought a mysterious bird
call was an alien being looking to disembowel me.
20. ...about how a man's hair caught on fire in
a cave in Indiana.
21. ...about how a liquor store had a monkey
22. ...about how a gallery of photos in a
magazine lifted a blurry veil forever from my eyes.
23. ...about how my great uncle got murdered by
the French mafia.
24. ...about how the RAF stole a live German
bomb from my uncle in WWII.
25. ...about how I was rushed to the hospital
after I fell out of a shopping cart at the age of
four--and what I dreamed when I was unconscious.
26. ...about how my grandfather ate breakfast
off of a dead cow's back.
27. ...about how my uncle tricked the Nazis and
the US censors in WWII.
28. ...about how I found my twin brother pinned
under a huge boulder that had fallen on him.
29. ...about how the Arizona Game and Fish
Department said that a roadrunner was "the clown of
the desert" because it chopped the head off of a
30. ...about how my father spread animal feces
in one of my books as a favor to me.
31. ...about how Jesus Christ himself was a
member of a ship's crew.
32. ...about how to kill an alligator.
33. ...about how we by fraud, willful deceit,
and bald-faced lying acquired a fishing lure that was
blessed with more luck than all of our sins put
34. ...about how my friend put a dent in his
father's car with the butt of a shotgun.
35. ...about how I told my father that I wanted
a collection of pins.
36. ...about how I imagined I saw a giant pickle
jar--that wasn't there!
37. ...about how President Barrack Obama awarded
my mom the Gold Congressional Medal.
38. ...about how I have today in my home a dead
tse-tse fly that may have been the very one that gave
my parents near fatal cases of sleeping sickness.
39. ...about how my mom sold Harpo Marx a
40. ...about how my mom and I visited a quiet
stretch of sidewalk in Rutland, Vermont, where my
grand uncle blew his brains out with a shotgun.
41. ...about how no power on earth could make me
do what half the people in Tucson, Arizona do.