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         Now let me give you some advice for your diet, quoting somewhat:  Of the hoofed animals thoust may eat, either broiled or ground into burger.  But of the uncloven animals thou shalt not eat, either plain or with cheese.  And thou shall drink thy milk as it is given thee and use no utensils, nor fork, nor knife nor spoon, for that is not what they are for.  And when thou hast finished, put then thy cup upon the table and do not grasp it in thy teeth and lean thy head back and make noises like a duck, for this is an abomination. 

       And do not put thy feet upon the table, even if thou hast an interesting bandage, for to do so is an offense.  Shouldst thou also suffer hives from eating tomatoes, neither scratch them nor pick, but bring thy affliction to the Holy One for he has first pickings.

       On the Sabbath thou shalt refrain from smelting iron or operating a ball mill or drinking koomis or fermented mare's milk of any kind or consuming of any other lactose beverages.  But drink all that thou can of Snapple or any of the name-brand liquors avoiding, as it is the duty of the faithful, all house brands, not excluding dressings. Of the red Frutopia beverages thou shalt not drink for they contain both crimson or carmine dye and bits of the cochineal (Dactylopius coccus) and are unclean.  Forget not that Cochineal is of the Spanish  meaning pig which do not chew their cud because they have no cud with which to do so and are therefore unwholesome.

       Otherwise, thou mayst eat what thoust wishes on the Sabbath except in the company of money-changers, thieves or whores to whom thou shalt  explain that Friday and  Saturday are fine but thou hast plans on Sunday. Thoust may also not dine with real estate agents or Republican Committee Women for as often as they might bathe they are never fresh.