We are
leaving Arizona
so United
advises you to
set your clocks
to living
daylights time.
At
United, you can carry
on luggage and be
carried out on a
stretcher.
Tampering
with, disabling or
destroying the passengers is
prohibited by law.
We suggest
that you keep your seat
belt fastened throughout
the flight, as you may
experience assault and
battery.
Ladies and
gentlemen, the Captain has
turned off the Jettison
Passenger light, and you
may now move around the
cabin.
In case of
moderate to severe
turbulence ahead, the
flight crew will give you
a moderate to severe
injury to your head.
If you
require deplaning
assistance, please remain
in your seat until all
other passengers have
deplaned. One of our crew
members will then be
pleased to assault you.
If you are
traveling with a child or
someone who requires
assistance, secure your
own mask first, and then
assist the other person.
Keep your mask on until a
uniformed crew member
beats you bloody.
We remind you that this is
a non-smoking
fight.
Flight
attendants, prepare for
take-off.
Passengers, prepare for a
beating.
At this
time, your portable
electronic devices must be
set to ‘airplane’ mode
until you are dragged
bodily from the aircraft.
“Ladies and
gentlemen, as we start our
descent, please make sure
your fists are in their
full upright position.
United hopes
you have a pleasant fight.
For your
safety and comfort,
please remain seated
with your seat belt
fastened until the
Captain calls
security to come and
beat you senseless.
Ladies and
gentlemen, we have just
been cleared to land at
Madison Square Gardens.
This is the
final waterboarding call
for all passengers.
You can fly first class, business, or
welterweight.
The
normal United crew
includes flight
attendants, a
captain, a copilot
and a cutman.
We are experiencing some light turbulence.
Please return to
your chalk
outline.
United Rules for
Items Carried
Aboard: No guns,
no knives, no
chains. Sticks
are all right.
Flat sticks. (No
bats!)
Being
the nervous
type, I used to
get white
knuckles during
takeoffs and
landings. Now I
get brass
knuckles.
I
heard one
determined
United
passenger say
to his wife,
"If this plane
lands and I'm
still
standin', I'm
gonna know for
the first time
in my life,
see, that I
weren't just
another bum
from the
neighborhood."
The flight crew will begin serving drinks and
coagulants.
